


Where Were You?

by LittleSweetCheeks



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: Family, Gen, Memories, Reflection, friends - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:47:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26409724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSweetCheeks/pseuds/LittleSweetCheeks
Summary: It's a day they all have trouble with. Sometimes the best thing is to simply be together.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Where Were You?

Elizabeth sighed, falling back in her chair, and tossing her pen aside. It was no use; she hadn’t been able to focus all day. None of them had, if she was being honest, not since the remembrance ceremony that morning. The clock on her computer screen told her it was still several hours yet before she could leave, but there was nothing officially on her schedule, planned that way on purpose by Blake and Nadine no doubt. She was thankful that they were so astute.

Pressing the intercom button, she could hear in Blake’s typical ‘Yes, Ma’am?’ that even he was not feeling it today, his voice was flat. “Can you track the others down and come to my office please?”

“Of course, Ma’am.” The resignation stayed in his voice.

Unsure what she was doing, she had no plan for why she was calling them in except she didn’t really want to be alone, she stood and moved to the couch to wait.

Nadine entered almost immediately, she must’ve been by Blake’s desk, and hesitated as Elizabeth massaged the bridge of her nose. “Ma’am?”

“Please.” She couldn’t get her voice to want to raise above a whisper. “Sit.”

Silently, her Chief of Staff took a seat in the chair across the low table, back to the desk. Elizabeth could feel Nadine studying her closely, worried no doubt, but she couldn’t find it within herself to care. The other three strolled in, looking equally worried as their eyes landed on her, and then a moment later Blake followed.

“Please, sit.” She repeated to them. “Shut the door Blake?” She waited as they all took their places, judging their emotional states based on where they took a spot. Daisy took the other chair with Matt standing behind her and Jay found his seat on the couch to her left. It left her right side open for Blake to sit, though he hovered between the couch and Nadine instead. “Does anyone have anything pressing on their desks right now?”

They all exchanged looks before Jay spoke. “Ma’am?” She heard so much in that single word question- confusion, concern.

“Is there anything on any of your desks that can’t wait until tomorrow? Or at least be passed off to junior staffers? I know it’s only mid-afternoon, but I-” She wasn’t sure why she was asking.

“I don’t have anything pressing.” Matt was the first to answer. “As far as I’m aware, there’s nothing coming down the pipeline.”

“The normal statements went out this morning and the assistants are the ones watching for any problem comments, which there are generally none. Not for today anyway.” Daisy offered next.

“I have a pile.” Jay drew her attention next. “But I’ve mostly been trying to work ahead so when a crisis happens, I don’t get behind. Nothing pressing for today.”

Elizabeth turned to Nadine next, who drew a short breath. “Nothing urgent, Ma’am.”

She nodded. “Good. I- I know today’s hard. It always is. And you all work hard every day. I want to send you all home for the day. Wrap up what you need to, go home, change, and then come by my house. All of you. Today is one of those days where I know I don’t really want to be alone, but I can’t focus enough to be here… Not today. Will you do that?” She looked around as they all nodded, her eyes landing on Jay. “You can bring Chloe if you need to.”

“No, ah, Abby has her today actually.”

“That’s good. You’re dismissed.” She watched them all quietly rise and walk out, leaving one person still hovering at her side. “I’m fine, Blake. I promise.” She gave him an attempted smile which she could tell did nothing to ease his mind. “We’ll give you a ride, we can stop by your place on the way so you can change.”

“I- I appreciate that, Ma’am.” She watched as he accepted it as a dismissal and finally left as well. Today was definitely one of those days where they needed to take a moment and be a family.

==

Elizabeth led Blake into the house, dumping her things as she sought out Henry at his desk. She’d waited in the vehicle while Blake had run into his place and changed, when he’d come out somehow, he’d looked impossibly younger than he usually did.

“Hey, Babe.” She let Henry pull her into his lap and kiss her. “You’re home early, everything okay?”

She let her body sink into his. “Not a good day to be at the office. I finally pulled the plug and sent everyone on my staff home early. They’re all coming over in a bit to, I don’t know, not all suffer in silence.”

“That explains why Blake is hovering by the door.” She could feel the amusement in his chest. “Go make yourself at home, Blake. Kitchen’s always open.” Elizabeth didn’t turn from her spot curled into Henry’s neck to see if Blake responded and she didn’t hear anything, but she didn’t care. She needed this right here, to be in Henry’s arms, protected. “How about I order dinner in and then the kids and I will vanish upstairs after to give you guys some time then?”

“Dinner would be good. Get with Blake, he’ll tell you what to order for everyone wherever you pick.”

“Okay, Babe.” She let him lift her to her feet. “You go up and change, I’ll handle it.”

Exchanging another kiss, Elizabeth dragged herself up the stairs, listening to the faint sounds of Henry and Blake talking in the kitchen.

==

Elizabeth had mostly watched and listened during the meal around their dining room table that wasn’t really built for ten people, but everyone had crammed in. Jason had wedged himself beside Matt, discussing some game or other the two were into; Alison had commandeered Daisy’s attention, no surprise there; and Stevie was discussing the prospect of law school with Nadine, which surprised Elizabeth more than anything. At the far end of the table, Henry and Jay were in a serious though subdued conversation and, given the date, Elizabeth could imagine what it was about.

She loved how seamlessly her two families, work and home, melded together when they needed to. It meant impromptu times like this held no awkwardness. Sipping her wine, she watched them all, the animated conversations to her left with Jason and Alison and the much more relaxed and even serious ones the Stevie and Henry were having.

“Ma’am?” The voice was so soft she might’ve missed it, as lost in the chatter and emotion of the moment and the day as she way, if it hadn’t spoken almost directly at her shoulder.

“Hm?” She turned to Blake, who’d taken the only seat that had remained unclaimed by the time he’d joined the table last. The only chair left had been directly at her right side and it made her pause, in the office her staff had left the same position open for him then too.

She watched his eyes dart to the far end of the table, exchanging a glance she didn’t quite understand with Henry before they returned to her. “Are you sure you really want us here?”

It was an odd question, but she couldn’t find it in her to work out what conversation she must’ve missed between him and Henry. “Everyone is a little happier now.” She pointed it out vaguely. The weight that seemed to hang over them all at the office seemed to have, temporarily at least, lifted. When her eyes returned to his, she could see the silent ‘But you’ in them though he didn’t voice anything further. She let the conversations wash over her again, not minding that she was only an observer as the meal wound down.

There was some small argument when the table was being cleared as to who should or shouldn’t be helping. With the ease of experience wrangling competing sides, she heard Nadine settle them all, giving them each a role to fill as the kitchen was filled with clinking of dishes and the opening and closing of the fridge over the jovial chatter of the eight people attempting to work in the small kitchen.

Henry pulled her up from her chair and pressed another kiss to her lips. “You sure you’re okay, Babe?”

“I’m getting there.” She admitted. “This was nice.” She was looking up at him and watched as he looked over her head and into the next room, watched the smile that appeared on his face as he watched everyone else. “A replacement memory?”

“Something like that.”

“I wasn’t sure if tonight this was a good idea.”

A sound like a laugh vibrated the back of her throat. “You talked to Blake earlier.” It wasn’t an accusation. When he pulled her in for another kiss as an answer, she let it linger, not caring that they were in full view of the next room. She didn’t even care when he shifted their weight, her back bumping the doorframe. Today she just wanted to feel something other than the oppressive weight of memories.

It was Alison who finally pulled them apart with her words. “God, guys! We get it, you can stop now!” Which brought laughter from everyone.

Elizabeth pulled back, turning to apologize for the display though it was clear Henry had no intentions of being sorry for loving his wife. The kids were already walking their way, though, bidding her goodnight before making their way up the stairs. Minutes later, she was left in the doorway alone, staring at her staff as they waited uncertainly around the island. “Liquor cabinet is through there; we can sit in the front room.” She offered, knowing they would work out for themselves what they were in the mood for. As they made their way in, Elizabeth settled in the chair by the fireplace and watched as Daisy and then Matt and Jay found spots on the sofa across. Blake wandered in next, assessing the room before taking a spot on the floor between where she sat and the remaining chair, leaving it for Nadine.

Once they were all seated, drinks in hand, the thought from earlier in the day resurfaced again. This time, she felt like it was the right, safe, moment to ask the question. “Where were you?”

She watched them all look confused before awareness started to sink in. It was a question that was often asked on this date, though they’d never, in their years together, had asked in before that she was aware of. “Where were you?” She repeated, softer this time, sullener.

The room was quiet a long time as they all thought to themselves. They all came from quite different walks of life, other than the experience of the single unifying trauma, their backgrounds held little in common.

“I was getting ready for work.” Nadine eventually began. “I’d had something for Roman going on that day, so I had a late start and… I was in such a hurry, worrying about him and my job and a thousand other things that feel so trivial now.” She drew a breath and Elizabeth could hear the waver in it. “The news anchor caught my attention and it seemed like time stopped. I don’t think I’ll ever, in everything else I’ve experienced in my life, forget the sight of that ball of fire on the TV screen. The overwhelming feeling of grief as the building seemed to simply vanish from the skyline.” She cut off, shaking her head before taking a large mouthful of her drink.

The room lapsed into silence again. No one would press anyone to go next, not tonight. Eventually, Daisy spoke. “I was on campus getting coffee. The barista had the TV on in the corner like she always did, and I was ignoring it with my head in a book. I nearly missed what was happening at all, which sounds totally self-absorbed. I still can’t believe I was so lost in my own little world that I almost blew right by such a life-altering moment in history. Classes got cancelled that day and the day after. A group on campus formed to offer aid to New York, so of them actually drove there to help pass out supplies and help feed the first responders but I- I couldn’t bring myself to go.”

“I was on base.” Jay rushed out before halting, shaking his head as he seemed to gather himself. “I was angry and afraid and so, so many emotions. But I knew we were headed to war.” His confession was followed by silence. Jay didn’t often talk about his time in the military and everyone respected that even now when he was only able, or perhaps willing, to give a little.

“I was living at home with my parents still.” Matt eventually spoke up. “It was a horrifying time to be Muslim in America, even in Illinois.” His gaze never lifted from his lap. “People would shout stuff at us, property damage. I was just as horrified by what happened as every other American, but I wasn’t seen as American after that. I worried every time I had to leave for class because my mom liked to take walks alone. I worried I’d get a call that something had happened to her. I realized I needed to be involved in stopping it, though I couldn’t figure out how a small-town journalism student was going to change anything. Especially a Muslim one.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you.” Jay whispered, spurring murmurs of the same from the others. They couldn’t deny that even in their country’s time of pain, some had taken that pain and anger out on so many innocent people. “You help stop it now.”

“I do my part.” Matt nodded, finally risking looking up at them.

“I was a junior in high school.” Blake’s voice was soft. Elizabeth had never considered until that sentence just how truly wide an age range their little group encompassed. “We’d already started rehearsals for our fall production, and I’d gone in early to the school. We were heading from there to class when a teacher or someone said a plane had hit a building. We were kids, we thought it was an accident at first and I think our interest was more morbid fascination. It never crossed my mind the thousands of people who were terrified, dying, suffering. The thousands more living with not knowing if their family or friends were alive or dead. I understood it was a tragedy but at the same time there was a disconnect, it wasn’t really real to me.” He huffed, tossing back the scotch he’d poured himself. “Now, with our job… I get it. I’m horrified by how easy it was to be apathetic because it wasn’t happening to me personally.”

Elizabeth reached down, squeezing his shoulder. “You were a kid.”

He shook his head. “It’s not an excuse.”

“I know. But you must forgive yourself for it. You’ve grown since then.” She swallowed back tears that threatened, a watery smile crossing her face when his hand came up and covered hers a moment. She sat back, debating before deciding that there was a small amount she could offer. “I was in the CIA. Most of what I was doing is still classified, but… I was in a position to be overwhelmingly horrified that we failed to stop it. I wanted to quit. What good were we doing if we couldn’t prevent that from happening on American soil?”

She couldn’t say more, and she knew they understood. They all dealt daily with being confronted with the wall of varying clearance levels. None of them took it personally though they all felt the frustration. It was Matt who spoke again eventually. “I’m glad you didn’t give up hope. I’m glad none of us did.”

They sat in companionable silence, each slowly finishing their drink as the night wore on. None, she guessed, willing yet to walk away from this small moment of sharing of themselves. Elizabeth let herself really study the people she worked with. Jay had sunk back into his corner of the couch, eyes half closed as his mind no doubt was still tumbling over memories. Daisy beside him was chewing her lip, her face otherwise unreadable. Matt, though, was an easy read. She saw pain in his eyes, pain for the suffering of others, pain he’d witnessed himself. Turning her head, she studied Nadine who gracefully attempted to carry the weight of the world every day. Elizabeth knew that she fretted over all of them, even as she tried to cover it so well. And then finally there was Blake. She couldn’t see his face, but she could see his shoulders curled in, his posture hunched.

No one moved until Henry came down the stairs some time later, curious as to where his wife had gotten to, surprised to still see them all there as it had been so quiet. Elizabeth was the only one who looked up at the sound of his soft footsteps and she watched him look them all over. They were a sight, she was sure, sitting vigil for their memories, for the horrors that had be wrought, for the people who should never be forgotten.

==

Elizabeth stepped off the elevator the following morning to find her entire staff waiting on her, never a good sign. “What’s today's crisis?”

They looked between one another before Nadine shook her head. “No crisis, Ma’am. But we do have breakfast set up in your office, we were just waiting for you to arrive.”

“Oh. Okay.” She was confused but allowed Blake to take her things as Jay and Matt led the way down the hall. “You sure there’s no crisis?”

“No.” Nadine shook her head. “We all arrived a bit early and thought we could sit in your office today to review some things. We have some ideas that we’d like to spearhead if you’re amiable to them.”

“Sure. Let’s hear them.” She took a seat at her desk as they all found their places around the room. Nadine and Jay in the chairs facing her, Matt and Daisy on the couch, and Blake hovering at her side. Sitting back, she listened and then realized there was a running theme to their ideas. It made her wonder if any of them had slept at all. All their ideas had a thread of hope, of making something better for someone else, big or small. Changing the world, a bit at a time.


End file.
